You are so eloquent, I here it, but I feel a deep river ahead of me to forge, slow and easy.
I have been waiting for this day * I will read this over and over to let it sink in, I am so grateful
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We are sharing here an interaction between Jayem and a participant from one of our online programs as it is valuable reading for everyone:
"For reasons I cannot explain, other than ego, I am having a difficult time feeling connected. Well, actually, I do understand where it is coming from. I have yet to fully heal a hurt that happened a few years ago, though I intellectually understand that by totally forgiving I set myself and them free. I've done much work on forgiving this hurt and sometimes I think I have set it all down and I'm free. Then a week or a month will go by and something will trigger a memory and I have to start the forgiveness all over again." - student
The first word in Jeshua's Beatitudes is "Tubwayun"... This was badly translated as 'Blessed are', while it actually means 'Now, Ripeness'. In short, now is the time, and the conditions are perfect for real healing.
I wish everyone on the planet could read your question, as there is so much in it that speaks to real forgiveness (what I call, Palpable Forgiveness, because it is FELT INTO THE VERY BONES) and how we actually remain defended against the vulnerability and certain energetic feeling states, attempting to heal only in the mind. We are rarely helped to see that to attempt healing ONLY with the conceptual mind/intellect IS just this: an unconscious defensive move, because we fear turning fully toward it and enfolding it completely in Love, even though we may intellectually agree with the Key Principle of the Christ Path, whether we come to it first via A Course In Miracles, the Way of Mastery, common Christianity, etc. Namely, that 'Only LOVE heals.'
To be succinct, we could point out that Love is neither a conceptual Idea nor a belief.
While we could go very deeply into your question, literally using each word to show both HOW and WHY you remain stuck and unfinished in healing, let me provide a more summary revelation to help you. Let's just look at your statement:
'I THINK I have set it all down..'
Exactly... The "I" attempts to control, to do; but is cut off from its own depth where feeling occurs, and Mind pervades every cell in the body. That is where the issue is 'held'. It actually pervades Mind and thus the emotions and (while it appears to last) the 'body'. The part of the mind we are so used to calling 'me, myself, and I' IS this small part that thinks: it perceives via concept and image, strings symbols together called words (which represent Ideas, such as 'forgiveness' and 'healing', and then desperately hopes by clinging to, or even saying the words, that WHAT they point to, has occurred! But this is much like reading a menu out loud, and hoping the fettucini has been digested!
You are not alone in this quandary. Over the years, as Jeshua patiently took me into the real pathway of genuine Forgiveness and healing, and then has sent hundreds and hundreds to me, this quandary of what A Course In Miracles calls 'split-mindedness' became very evident.The quandary rests on a tension the Ego holds onto, one that splits mind from feeling. Yet, even ACIM points out that 'the Holy Instant is felt'. NOWHERE does it state that healing and forgiveness are only a concept to be chosen, or believed in.
Now, what is not wholly healed will inevitably recur. It does so precisely because healing is yet incomplete. Thus, it is calling you to what will come to the healing that Forgiveness truly is, and it will occur as you:
This is when, and only when, real forgiveness occurs.
Jeshua taught His own disciples, in his Aramaic Language, that Forgiveness (wash wo klahn) means 'return to original wholeness', and this is never an idea! It is a state of wholeness of Being (mind, body, feeling, heart, and soul). (Incidentally, this is essentially the same definition He gives it in ACIM, and throughout Way of Mastery.)
The first step, following the Beatitude way, is to
Now, we begin, frankly, with breathing that is pretty skewed! Why, because to breathe well is to feel well, and Ego is deeply constricted and fearful of fully feeling!
The second step, to truly
This could be waves of grief, sadness, helplessness, rage, anger, as the body remains breathing and feeling is allowed. It will ALSO include past images, AND, perhaps of most importance, the thoughts and perceptions we have 'glued in place' concerning the event. Indeed, it can be a bit difficult at first to stay with the breath. It will tighten, get shallow, we will get distracted, and do what I refer to as 'go up into the mind', up to the level of conceptions, analysis, defense, minimizing, and all the rest of Ego's favorite defense strategies!
Yet, if we truly welcome the healing power of Love with ALL of us (heart, mind, feeling, and breath) THEN energy at its depths shifts... The grip dissolves, and mind clears.
A universal rule of Wholeness/Forgiveness is this:
It can begin by your willingness to specifically write down (or, better, say out loud)what the issue was (and still is!). This first move is a choice to be vulnerable. In this way, the feeling of disconnect dissolves. Split-mindedness creates a very real 'disconnect'; we become fragmented, instead of Whole. We did this in our attempt to get away from, and save ourselves from, what was felt (and THEN perceived) as TOO overwhelming and fearful to enfold in Loves Embrace.
In short, it is our 'hiding' of what is really there that is the source of the disconnect. This Pathway (which in many ways is an invitation to transformation beyond what ACIM presents; a perfect and natural continuation of Jeshua/Jesus' PathWay into the fullness of Christedness) is an invitation to far greater depths of real healing and spiritual awakening. The old strategies just don't work at this level! Concepts and acceptance of the Ideas they point to will work ONLY to a point, but they simply fail to do so at these very real, fundamental depths of separation and fragmentation.
So, the willingness for real vulnerability is step one. Then, ask for help. Then, make your home in the breathing. The Beatitudes promise us that if we:
1) Make our home in the breathing and
2) Allow our mourning
What will occur is:
3) What has been rigid within will soften and lose its grip.
4) We begin to contact the deeper real longing of soul (our contraction against feeling creates an obstacle that keeps us from it, and from the flow of power that could live us INTO it).
5) Love penetrates us to a new level (or, depth), and begins to both move us and move through us in new and more powerful ways.
6) A purification of our heart/soul occurs and we 'see God' in flashes of new understanding, wisdom, insight. (A common word He uses in both ACIM and WOM for this is 'revelation'.) Literally, en-Light-enment occurs.
7) We now are a new spaciousness THROUGH which the divine 'carves channels for God's new creations'. (Here, we have attained the famous - but poorly understood - 7th Beatitude: we are now 'peacemakers').
There ARE three critical phases of transfiguration into Christedness that FOLLOW this, but there is little value in looking at them for you, since the first goal needs to reached, first: healing into Wholeness.
In this PathWay under the guidance of Jeshua, we discover two key aspects waiting for us, when we are ready to discover that until I FEEL and live from Wholeness, all my ideas and beliefs about it yet fall short. The first of these is what we refer to as Love'sBreath. Over many years, He guided me to refine my discoveries into the most critical and essential aspects of how to correct the 'fragmented breathing' so indicative of Separation/woundedness (in spite of what the mind wants to believe!) via breathing. Anyone can download the CD, and begin the correction that will unfold priceless depth, revelation, and healing far beyond what the mere use of Ideas/concepts/or even continued will can ever do. How do I know this? Over twenty years working with thousands - including hundreds of ACIM students - simply provides the evidence that this is so.
Wholeness involves mind, body, and feeling. The roots of what is unhealed CANNOT be dissolved UNTIL Wholeness is realized throughout all aspects of our being, right where we are in space/time, regardless of what we choose to think, or believe, ABOUT space/time!
Love'sBreath is the foundation for this journey, the very ground upon which the beatitudes is set, for the 1st Beatitude - after signaling that 'Now IS the ripe time!' - calls us to 'make your home in the breathing of universal energy, and those that touch this place will re-connect with the power that pervades all Creation.'
I often remark to hesitant students: "Well, if you would rather stop short of radical, full Wholeness, it's okay! Just settle for Ideas, while holding your breath! But, if you really, really truly want all of God..."
Trust the breath and feeling more than the mind. Trust Spirit more than one’s own thoughts about Spirit.
The second key aspect is what we refer to as Radical Inquiry. 'Radical' means 'most fundamental', so our goal is to see into the real roots of our beliefs about the event we are healing from: what DID I believe about it? How has this shaped my perception of the "Big Three": God, Self, and Reality?
Here is a very simple, universally applicable example of Radical Inquiry you, or anyone, can utilize for any specific healing journey:
a) Where does what is unresolved seem to 'live' in my body?
(We ALWAYS discover it has a location/and a feeling tone)
b) am I willing to take the Breath INTO this location/feeling tone (tight muscles, quaking, etc.)
Remember, our habit of wanting to go away from it IS what has kept it in place!
c) Am I willing to allow energy to be what it needs to be, now??
This could be anything: sadness, rage, fear (always!), anger, hopelessness... but as a felt energy... (by the way, it may ALSO elicit joy... which Ego detests, also!)
d) Would I be willing to trust the Holy Spirit and go 'all the way', now?
e) What have I habitually believed, and how have I perceived this?
(Note: 'Holy Spirit' is not an entity/person. It isn't just a 'talking head' regurgitating Divine Ideas in our thinking mind! It IS the Spirit of Wholeness... living energy Jeshua referred to as the 'shem', the very current of Light that pervades all Creation.)
All of the above occurs WHILE sustaining the flow of Love'sBreath. As you can see, we are accessing a whole new level and depth of genuine Surrender, a genuine Trust in our Creator's love of us, AND opening our 'little willingness' to the healing power of Love itself, BEYOND mere ideas.
If only I could get all sincere students of the Christ Path, all sincere seekers of Wholeness to go beyond concept and Idea, to enter the land to which all Ideas are designed to point! LovesBreath and Radical Inquiry literally deliver us into something beyond words and Ideas. Both ACIM and WOM speak ABOUT this 'land', but NEITHER - as texts that use words and Ideas - are in themselves sufficient for truly delivering us there!
To distinguish the sphere of 'ideas about', and the direct taste of Freedom in Wholeness the brilliant Ideas of Way of Mastery and A Course In Miracles utilize, the word we use is 'Presence'. This Presence is truly beyond Fear altogether, and where Fear has truly dissolved, there can be only Love. But this is immediate, no longer mediated with a concept that generates ideas and images in the mind ABOUT love.
But also, we discover that Truth is NOT a perception of an Idea, no matter how lofty. For Jeshua, Truth is best understood by referring to His Aramaic languaging: sherara. Far beyond 'truth' as a Principle/Idea fixed in the Intellect, sherara means: to become unstuck, to be returned to effortless, empowered flow!
I would suggest, dear friend, that what keeps calling you, nagging at you, is EXACTLY the fact that you can sense you are still 'stuck'; some residual energy is blocked, and obstructing real flow or truth, and Truth, for Jeshua IS the power of Love that would move and create through you! THAT is what you want!!! And that IS your natural inheritance: to be set free, to be unblocked, to be in flow, the flow of Love itself!
When what was once an experience that elicited contraction/fragmentation and the ascent in authority of Fear becomes a very present Wholeness, enfolded by a mind, body, feeling, and breath that is relaxed, whole, and utterly free, then, and only then, have we discovered there IS a dimension to Forgiveness that is very palpable, very immediate, very all-encompassing.
And in this, is heaven again fully illuminated, right here, and right now. May all beings come to venture beyond all Ideas, becoming utterly transformed in this Presence, that Love may alone breathe them, illuminate their minds, and direct their extension of all that true Creation is: all that is Good, all that is Holy, and all that is Beautiful, for this is ALL Christ does; Christ’s fulfillment IS the revealing of God, and God is but love.
My favorite description of Love is one Jeshua gives in Way of the Heart:
What we are unwilling to feel fully reveals that we are not yet allowing, embracing, or - about all - TRUSTING. And can anyone return home to the Father while trust is still impeded by Fear?
Real healing IS Wholeness, which IS the Holy Instant. And that is felt, not thought!
Breathe well, welcoming through it the Love that alone can and will heal beyond the reaches of the intellectual aspect of mind, operating from the Wholeness of the full Mind: the illuminating presence of Pure Spirit, itself.
tubwayhun...now IS the ripe time!