How to Respond to Anger
A student asked:
"What is the best way to respond or not respond to other people's anger, insults, bullying, angst, and sarcastic remarks and attitudes?"
Thank you for asking a question that is one we all share in this world Jeshua reminds us was made in order to prove we are separate from God … we are alone … and Fear is necessary.
I've written that statement purposely to expose why anyone expresses anger, insults, bullying, angst, and sarcastic remarks and attitudes in the first place!
Thus, the first step when you find yourself before such energies, is to remember why someone is doing what they are doing. A simple rule of all expressions is this: “What is not Love is Fear, and nothing else.”
The one before you is literally screaming in Fear, and is crying out for its opposite: Love.
A major shift in our journey occurs when we come to recognize that our own fear-based ego meets such expressions with the following: a physical contraction and thus loss of breath, along with a “bracing” of the muscles. Immediately, the mind judges, for it perceives itself being attacked. It then moves to defend via any number of strategies (including doing the same things)!
Ego will believe it is misunderstood; doesn’t deserve this; and (perhaps most cunningly) is being unfairly treated. (Something Jeshua once replied to me, when I was complaining about such things: “Beware the great temptation to perceive yourself unfairly treated." What!!!!!???? It was so obvious that I was being mistreated!)
However, this is never true. Nothing arises by accident, whatsoever, and all moments can serve our healing, growth, and Awakening if our commitment is not to defense and “being right” about what is “wrong” with others, but are instead devoted to:
a) growth of our own capacity to “be in the world but not of it,” and
b) to realizing our Essence as Love itself by being the presence (and intelligence) of Love in the moment.
The goal of all moments is this: presence. Presence requires that we cultivate a few basic steps, first:
Turn toward the fearful one crying out for Love and immediately “make your home in your breathing” (down into the belly).
Ask them if they would be so kind as to fully repeat their words, because you want to be with them and truly hear them. (Ego will scream at this suggestion, won't it?)
Do your best to repeat back to them exactly their own words. Ask them if you have fully heard them and if they feel complete in their sharing, or want to share anything else.
Then ask them this: What is it you truly want, right now, and how do you perceive it will bring you to happiness and peace, for that is my deepest desire for you?
Encourage them to take all the time they need to get in touch with this. Remind them you are with them.
They may respond to any of the above, or not! What matters is your growth in meeting Fear with Presence. If they do seem to respond, change your language into a joint invitation. (In short, shift from “I” and “you” to “we.”)
Say something like, Since we are here, right now, together, let's see if we can join to find a real solution. I know we can if we are willing!
By now, something will be very self-evident: You will see and know what they are truly committed to!
If it is attack in any form, then it's time to let them know, calmly, that it is clear they are hurting for some reason, and that remaining committed to it is not something you can join them in, as you have learned that this can never be a solution for them.
Let them know you see the real capacity in them and are always ready to join when devoted to healing, finding real solutions, and growing in real happiness, whenever they may be ready. End by saying, “Thank you for sharing as you have, for all moments are opportunities for me to grow my own ability to be with you as you are.”
And simply move your body in the direction of your true commitment, and what needs your presence elsewhere.
Later, it is wise to reflect on who you have called into your life. Those energies are not present by accident! And yes, you may need to do some self-forgiveness work on when those energies were expressed through you as well! You will need to reflect on how you have habitually met such energies, and deepen your commitment to your own transformation … and nothing serves that goal better than the very real moments of life that activate our own ego patterns, themselves born of Fear.
Here are a few key Wonder Questions to explore:
What requirement do I keep making of others?
What belief do I carry about how others “ought” to be?
Might I be placing more emphasis on this than on my own transformation?
Am I willing to learn increasingly how to be the presence of Love under all conditions?
I always remind myself (and others) of this fundamental truth:
Nothing is happening TO you.
It is happening FOR you.
The world can only mean what God would have it mean
and it can have ONLY the purpose of our waking from illusion to Truth,
from Fear to Love.
Of course the world will disturb us, for it was never capable of being our source of Love (though we are all “guilty” of believing and insisting it ought to provide what it cannot ever give)! Thus, to see the world truly is to see the uses we have demanded of it … and of all others who we have chosen to give us safety, security, approval, and love. And it is not their role to do so!
To “forgive the world” is to see through the requirements we have placed upon it, to see how and why the world can only fail us, for the rule of ego is to seek, but never find. (This loop justifies our judgment and our guilt, thus keeping us separate from Love and Reality).
Our journey is to stay present with our own Fear; to see what requirements, secret hopes, and demands are fueling it; and to forgive ourselves. Each moment is an opportunity to realize the supreme freedom of Love by not responding to the voice of Fear we have made and worshiped too long.
Let all beings become your messengers and saviors, by seeing how they trigger the places within us that are fearful, needy, demanding, and perhaps unwilling to choose Love and let it teach us of Itself. Where can it do that? Only in the very midst of where we used to react with fear, projecting all manner of requirements upon others.
Let me end this brief sharing on a question that has such rich depths for us with this:
No one in this world is made to love me, keep me safe, nor uphold the image of myself I wish to believe is true. The world is given me as it is that I might discover and learn that Love is the essence of my only Reality and that I am free to Be what I truly am, under all conditions. Only in the conditions of the world can I ever learn and realize that only Love is Real … by BEING it.
From this moment forward, I welcome all messengers and saviors, showing me what I truly want no longer, offering me the chance to incarnate my True Self. This alone is what makes the world precious to me — not what I can get from it, but what I can discover I have the capacity to give to it. For this is the only path Home. Thank you, Lord, for helping me to finally see this great, and essential, Truth.
